Crazy last few days

So as some of you may or may not know my mom has been sick. She has been having pain on ( or in ?) here side for a cou[le months now. SHe has been to a lot of doctors , given lots of medicine , put still no anwsers. Well finnally they came to think it was her ovary , so she has surgery int he begining of jne to have her right ovary taken out. She hasn't had good recovory.She ben inand out of the hospital. The last time she was there a week for pain and nausea. Then one day ( after so many trips to the ER you forget what day) she went to the ER again for the same thing. They just gave her some medicine and told her she was just goign to have to puke a lot( gross ) . Since that didnt work they took her back. This time the doctor dignosed her as being chemically dependent , basically addited to painkiller ( aw look i'm like a little doctor lol ) . Also we already had a feeling before she had depression and the docotor confirmed that too. Thats why ever time she came home she would get sick. The medicine they give you to take home isn't near as strong as through an IV. It's really hard to tak that all in at one time. You never think your mom will be like that , i mean shes your mom. And the last 2-3 days she has been going through withdraw.So we stay at my grandmas hosue next door , so they can keep and eye on her and watch her. Lets say sleeping on the sofa and being woken up every five mintues isn't the best way to sleep. Yesturday i was up till 6:30am. SHe is getting better though. The anxiety ( spelling ?) and vomiting have gone away for the most part and she got to sleep some today. She will get better hopefully by this weekend phisycally she will be ok. It's been a rough time. I mean you think how could you not know? And then i think maybe if i had done something diffrent, been better ,or helped out more this wouldn't have happened. I know it's no ones fault , but still mayeb i could have made it not as bad. I know saying she is addicted to pain killers sounds like my mom is some freak, btu she isn't. She is like everyone else. She isn't like the people you see on tv. I know in time she will get better. You can teel already she is getting better . Everything will work out.

Aww hope all goes well piggy I'm sure all b okies!

My thoughts r with u and your family at this time....

Heya piglet,

Sorry to hear of your situation. Its natural in your circumstance to feel partially to blame for it but then when you think about it carefully who's decision was it in the first place... As for the anxiety side I confess myself as an expert at it having nearly loosing Becca to major seizures.

You think only about that one person and nothing else matters, you feel numb and at a loss almost to the degree where you feel you could loose that person and even as if you have already lost that person in my case. It sounds like that you are on the other side of it all. Pain killers admittingly Im somewhat scared of myself because they often are addictive. Its cases like these people stereotype as drug addicts. They judge a book by its cover without going into it further.

Your mother may be addicted but partial blame can go to the doctors who let it turn into an addiction in the first place. It raises questions like how and why did they let it get this far. Your mother needs to be made aware she isn't to blame alone for it. I feel that when she is aware of this her depression would improve

It's crazy to think this was over 3 years ago. Reading this back is both 1.) super embarrassing and 2.) heartbreaking in several ways. Reading this I wish I could go back and tell myself things wouldn't be like that forever, because they weren't. That chaotic mess, in reality, didn't last that long at all. My mom is almost 3 years sober now and drug addiction is one of the farthest things from my mind. However, something I wish I could still have is that hopefulness I can see I had when I wrote this. I could tell myself everything would be okay and things were getting better, I had full faith that things would be okay in the end. That characteristic is something I seem to have lost somewhere along the way, more so now than ever. Obviously I am in a different place than when all of this was actively going on, but this will always be a part of who I am and some of the same feelings apply to my situation now. I wish I could tell 14 year old me that everything would be okay, but truthfully I know I can't say that. A lot of the time it feels like I am not very far from where I was then. Where I am now isn't exactly better, it's just a different place on the same grid. I remember thinking that in a few years I would be this happy person who was outgoing and just vibrant, but I'm not any closer to being that person. Part of me knows 14 year old me would be really disappointed with where I am right now. Depression sucks, a lot. I feel numb and empty most days. I don't say that for pity, just the fact that it is what it is. I remember thinking then if I could just get a new therapist and take some time I would be all better. I have come to realize no amount of talking or positive thinking or even therapy is going to help me if I don't want it to. No one can magically fix me. It's a terrifying realization that I'm the only one who can help me. I can honestly say I feel worse now than I have in a really long time. Although, I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing. It's important to be aware of how I feel and what's going on. I won't say I know it will get better, because obviously I don't know anything. In some ways I'm just as scared now as I was then. Just this time I am more aware of what's going on within myself. Reading this reminded me that sometimes it's okay to just not be okay. Nothing needs a big reason or explanation, sometimes things just are how they are. I don't have a reason to feel depressed like I did then, but it doesn't make it any less valid. I hope I can read this post in another 3 years and feel absolutely ridiculous for even saying any of this. Sorry for the long post, but I felt maybe typing something out would help.
Piglet